The Color of Your Shell

I started this page to journal and work through my feelings with everything happening in the world, parenting my boys, so they grow into hardworking, kind men, and the ebbs and flows of my marriage. I need a place to get my words out and release my mind.

A while back, I shared a meme that said our children are watching. It resonated with me. They are watching and listening to everymove, to all the adults around them. What actions am I showing them? Am I raising courageous boys to stand up in the face of danger, to protect fellow Americans, to toe the line when the enemy is pushing back? I struggle with this every single day.

The last two years, I have pushed, no, thrown myself outside of my comfort zone to learn and grow and be the most vital role model for my kids and everyone around me. It's hard. 

Cameron has been struggling lately. I catch myself getting frustrated if he isn't listening or if he's tired. But this kid is so courageously stubborn. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't. He will not be doing anything he does not want to do. Just ask his two teachers, who I'm convinced are saints. 

Cameron feels all his emotions to the fullest extent. If he is happy, we all know he's happy. If he's mad, you better watch out. If he is sad or hurt, you can find him crying. He is not afraid to feel. I love this about Cameron.  

The other night he was tired, so I put him and Connor to bed earlier than usual. I let CJ stay up and watch Thursday night football (I mean, what else would he be watching). Connor and Cameron were getting their PJs on, and Connor flung a monster truck at Cameron's leg for no apparent reason other than to be a D I C K. Cameron, of course, cried as if Michael Myers had just sawed his leg off. 

In between sobs, he said that Connor flung the truck at him because Connor didn't like the color of his skin. I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. He repeated the same thing. He was obviously, annoyed at me because he had to repeat himself. Did I just hear that right? I panicked. Oh shit, we are having this conversation now. 

I made him sit up in between sobs and asked him why he thought Connor didn't like his skin color. Cameron said that because Connor threw the toy that he didn't like his skin color. I was devasted to hear those words come out of Cameron's mouth. He is five years old, and we are having this conversation. Cameron explained that he listened to another kid tell his friend they didn't like him because of his skin. My heart sank for that little boy. I wanted to scoop him up and say that the world isn't this ugly, but that would be a lie. 

Cameron and I had a long conversation about what happened at daycare and why that was wrong. I explained how to be an ally to his friends of color and how everyone is the same inside, but we are just born with a different colored shell.

The world is beautiful and ugly; all rolled into a pretty package. I can try and shelter my boys from the ugliness, or I can give them the tools to shine up the ugliness. 

At the end of the day, I want all three boys to be courageous enough to speak up.Parenting is SO hard right now. I second guess myself a lot. Am I doing the right thing? Am I teaching them the right thing? 

I want to raise my children to be like Simone Biles. I want my children to have the courage to stand up to what's important to them even though the world around will make judgments. 

I want to raise my children to love all people. I want my children to love someone for their heart, not the color of their skin. 

I hope someday CJ, Cameron, and Connor realize how much I love them. 

"You cannot raise your children as your parents raised you because your parents raised you for a world that no longer exists.