Are you going to choose courage or comfort?

Have you ever sat down and asked yourself, "Who am I?" Could you confidently answer this question?

I thought I could until I was sitting across from my therapist, and she asked me this exact question. My mind blanked, my hands got sweaty, and I couldn't think of a single thing to say. I looked at the clock to see if time was up and if we could just skip over this question, but we had 20 minutes left, and there was no way I was getting out of it.

I said something along the lines that I'm a mother. I am a mother that is fucking up my kid's lives. I am a wife. I am a wife who hates folding laundry and doing dishes and would rather read a book on the couch than have sex. I am an HR Professional. I am an HR Professional who goes to work every day thinking I'm overpaid, underqualified, and shouldn't be in this position. 

Are those what define who I am? My therapist doesn't seem to think so. 

In our therapy book club, we just finished The Measure by Nikki Erlick. Each person is given a box with a string inside. The string indicates how long you have left to live on this earth. The book follows different characters with different string lengths, how their lives intertwine and follows their journey and the choices they make based on their string length. Do not walk, but run to the nearest bookstore and READ it. 

I finished the book on spring break, sobbing at the pool, turning to look for my friend to see if she had finished it yet because it was THAT good. I was grieving the characters in the way that I would grieve the death of a friend or family member. I cried for the next two days.

The book got me thinking about my life. Am I doing everything that I want with my time here on earth? Am I being the most authentic version of me? The answer is no. I have no fucking clue who I am. 

We don't have the luxury of knowing when our time on earth will be over. I could live until I'm 95 years old with my daughter-in-law wiping my ass, cursing me, or I could die tomorrow. 

So, what would you do with your remaining time if you had a short string? I knew exactly what I would do. I would take a solo vacation, hiking through the Himalayan mountains on shrooms. I want to be with myself, love myself, and be ok with who I am, the choices I've made, and the people I've chosen to surround myself with. Easy right? I'll just book that plane ticket with my husband's new Frontier credit card and get free miles! 

The one true person, outside of my parents that I can be myself with is Clark. He does not judge me but loves me. He goes along with all my crazy ideas, listens to my thoughts, and sees the good in me.

My therapist asked if there was anyone else in this world that I could feel that way with. The answer was no. I'm so authentically scared of judgment. Cue the homework. 

My homework was to pick something wild to do with someone I felt like I could push myself with and be 100% authentic without fear of judgment. Ok, so this could be a little difficult. I live in Holt, Michigan. I don't think Holt or Lansing is making the top ten places for the wildest things to do.

I started brainstorming things to do. 

• Deja Vu 
• Dancing at the Exchange
• Get a random tattoo
• Axe throwing 
• Sitting at home drinking wine
• Go Kart racing 

I mean, the options were not limitless. And then it came to us, Tease a GoGo Burlesque Variety Show. THIS WAS IT! 

As the days led up to the show, I wanted to back out. Not only was I concerned about whether these other women would go along, but I was scared to death of what their husbands would say about them hanging out with me. Would they judge me? Would they want their wives to hang out with me after this? Would they want their kids around me? I was terrified. 

The women came over for drinks and appetizers before heading to the show. We didn't know what to expect since the show was literally seven miles down the road from my house. 

We pulled up to this reception hall in between two auto-car shops, and we all looked at each other with the same thought, is this going to be the best night of our lives, or are we going to get murdered. 

I can't even begin to describe what we experienced. We did not discover an underground burlesque scene or Dimondale's hottest little secret, but what we did experience was laughter, joy, authenticity, and love. 

The show was in a building that looked like a step up from a VFW. The median age was 65 years old. There was a craft show. Hot dogs. A baby. It was epic. 

I couldn't have imagined a better night to be 100% myself, surrounded by people who would still love me, even when I accidentally knocked over my drink, ate a donut from one of the dancers, and laughed so hard I snorted. 

In the middle of the night, I woke up and replayed the night back in my mind. I went through each moment, trying to figure out if morning came, would the women still be my friend? Did I say something dumb? Did I offend anyone?

The crazy thing is, they all still loved me. It was an experience I'll never forget. 

Brené Brown once said, "Courage is not staying quiet about things that make us uncomfortable."

I'm going to be brave with my life. I'm going to choose courage in finding who I am, and I'm no longer going to choose comfort because we aren't guaranteed a long string. Go hike through the mountains on shrooms, go to that show you so desperately wanted to see, get that tattoo that you fell in love with on Pinterest but most of all, love yourself and give yourself grace on this wild journey.