Hold, please - Corona's calling.

 HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!

What are we celebrating, you may ask? Corona. That bitch. Here we are, one year later. What is that meme going around? “Oh, look, we are coming up on the first anniversary of taking two weeks to flatten the curve.”  

IT HAS BEEN A HARD YEAR! Let’s take a minute to pat ourselves on the back. We are here. We are holding it together, even if by a thread. We are a boss bitch.

CJ and I have been home with each other for a year. We are pretty much over each other. He recently spent the weekend with his grandparents and said the best part of the weekend was being away from me. Thanks, kid. Don’t worry; the feeling is mutual. CJ has struggled with social isolation over the past year. He misses his friends, and apparently, my playtime skills suck.

Mental health has been the center of our lives. Everyone gets so uncomfortable when you start to mention mental health. It’s like saying Lord Voldemort’s name out loud. You know he’s there, but dare you bring him up.

I’m here to tell you that I AM STRUGGLING! I am struggling to balance it all. I can’t get my shit together, and when I do get it together, I lose it.

• 1 and 5 adults experience mental illness
• 18% experience anxiety disorder
• HALF OF ALL mental disease begins at 14

MY STORY
When I was a little girl, I would often daydream of my life, how many kids I would have, and who my husband would be. I imagined he would look like Ken, and I would look like Barbie living in a house closely resembling the Barbie mansion.  I often thought of what type of mother I would be. I was going to be the most patient, caring, and loving mother. I would do arts and crafts, make cute cut-out sandwiches, explore outside with them, and soak up every memory.

My family dream did not include the reality of my husband and I collectively being diagnosed with PTSD, postpartum depression, depression, anxiety, and bipolar.

In the summer of 2019, Clark and I had a massive fight. I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but the conclusion was that I get help or we needed to end the marriage. I was drowning. I had three kids under 5; my best friend had just found another job and left the department, so  I was responsible for everything. All this pressure was washing over me.

My department had recently gotten our very own therapist. If you know anything about my department, you know it’s high-stress and high-demand all the time. I was having a hard time remembering things, clearly from Clark’s argument. I set up an appointment with the therapist.

We worked through my childhood, my deployment, and ALL my life experiences.

Deployment: My unit’s mission overseas was to convoy from Kuwait to Iraq. I was a gunner for one of the gun trucks in our squad. I loved going out on missions. I felt like my life had a purpose. In January 2011, we were on a med mission. The med mission trucks would be the first ones on the road to clear the route for other convoys. We would also be the last ones to base. This meant that if a convoy broke down, was attacked, or needed medical attention, we were there.

On this particular day, most of the convoys had made it to the base in Iraq. We were waiting for maybe one or two squads. The route was on a highway, and we just turned around to head south. I remember listening to Rihanna’s S&M on my iPod and smoking a cigarette (I know, I know). I remember feeling a giant explosion that threw my head against the turret; I was all 115 pounds, so that wasn’t hard to do. An IED just went off.

The IED missed and went between the trucks. No one was seriously hurt, just a couple concussions.

After that experience, the rest of the deployment was pretty easy. On the other hand, my marriage really took a shit after the IED. Maybe my brain was trying to process all the what-ifs of the IED explosion, did my life really hold true meaning, was I on the right track with my life? Did I need to spend time alone and be more independent? It was on going dialogue in my head.

 
After we talked about my deployment, which I thought was the apparent event that would cause PTSD and anxiety, we moved on to my childhood.

Childhood: In my head, I kept coming back to a memory that I had as a little girl. I never mentioned it to anyone because a.) I was ashamed, and b.) who would believe me after not talking about it all these years.

I had nothing to lose and described the memory to the therapist. The results: I am a survivor of sexual trauma.  Let me tell you how freeing that was. I was able to say out loud and acknowledge what I’ve kept to myself for 25 years. I was no longer ashamed and able to realize there is nothing wrong with me. 

The human brain is amazing. It makes sense why I can only remember bits and pieces of my childhood.
 
The therapist and I tried to tap into more memories, but apparently, my brain is just as stubborn as I am. While I know this happened to me, there are only a few memories and some physical side effects. I’m not pushing myself to relive those memories, but I am putting in the work to help cope with the side effects.

MISCONCEPTIONS
To this day mental illness still has stigma and misconceptions and it’s time we start talking about the truth instead of the myths out there that are complete bullshit.

Let’s open the door and start the conversation to give others the courage to stand up and speak their truth. Let’s end the stigma.

MYTH #1: The causes of anxiety disorder are usually rooted in childhood, so effective therapy must focus on that time period.

My childhood and time in the military has caused anxiety and PTSD. Truth but I don’t need help processing the events, I’ve lived the events. I need help with the “what now”. How do I manage my thoughts, emotions, discomforts and behavior?

MYTH #2: Some people are just worrywarts or neurotic, and there is nothing that can really make a difference.

Therapy is such a good place to reduce your worry and suffering. It teaches you to form a relationship with yourself that is built from love, regardless of your temperament or habits that you’ve formed throughout your life.

MYTH #3: If you eat right, exercise, avoid caffeine, and live a healthy lifestyle, your anxiety will go away.

Been there. Done that. That bitch, anxiety does not go away no matter how much you eat right, and exercise. Your anxiety might be reduced but she will still be there whispering in your ear.  I will also never give up caffeine. #coffeeislife

To really take on anxiety, you need to understand your symptoms, your reactions and you need to face your fears.

MY ANXIETY/PTSD SYMPTOMS

Anxiety and PTSD can present themselves in many forms, both physically and mentally. We all experience anxiety and PTSD differently, and it can show different symptoms for each of us. I’m almost 32 years old and just starting to recognize when I’m feeling anxious or when some event has triggered my PTSD.

Anxiety
What are symptoms of anxiety?

• Shaking
• Sweating
• Blushing or overheating
• Stomach feeling like it’s in knots
• Nausea
• Dizziness
• Dry mouth
• Restlessness
• Breathing Too Fast
• Heart rate increasing
• Insomnia
• Jaw clenching
• Teeth grinding
• Chest pains
• Exhaustion

My skin starts to crawl, and I just want to scream. The feeling of skin crawling and I are home girls. I think if I had to pick a top symptom, this would be it.  It mostly happens when I have the three boys, Clark, and work needing something from me at the SAME time. Can you all take a number, PLEASE! I’m one woman.

A second symptom I deal with is my heart rate increases.  I’ve always been surrounded by some of the smartest people, but I have never felt like I’m on their level. I’ve thought I’m mediocre at best. Apparently, this is called imposter syndrome and happens with women all the time. When I’m at work and have to meet with department managers, my hands start sweating, and my heart beats fast. I try to remember that they are just a person like me. Everyone puts their pants on the same way.  But I still get nervous that I’m going to appear dumb or they are going to catch on to this façade and that I actually suck at my job.

Me and anxiety will always be in a relationship together. Apparently, she thinks we have a good thing going on. I’ve just learned to recognize when I’m really anxious and respond in a healthy manner.

PTSD

PTSD has been hard for me. I’ve always known PTSD was hanging around, but I was ashamed, so I’ve just pushed her to the side.

In 2020, Clark went to the VA for PTSD. I was so incredibly proud of him for taking that step forward. In my mind, I was like, why can’t I put on my big girl panties and deal with it? To be honest, I was afraid of going to the VA. I felt like a poser. My experience overseas did not result in a loss of a limb, watching someone die, killing someone, or engaging in a firefight. Many soldiers have dealt with these experiences, and they needed the resources more than me. My experience was isolated to one event. 

I took a leap of faith and filed a VA disability claim for PTSD.  My exam was scheduled, and I was SO nervous. I was terrified that the examiner would listen to me and laugh. I was so wrong!

The exam was 2 hours long, and I’m pretty sure that we spent an hour talking about our dogs. The rest of the time, we spoke about my past and how certain events have impacted my life. The examiner explained that when a person has experienced several traumatic events, it can affect how they respond to any additional traumatic events.

I have nightmares. I also have startle reflex really bad. Can you imagine being a mother to three boys and having to deal with this? CJ's favorite game is to scare anyone and everyone. I'm pretty sure I shit my pants every time (don't worry, I don't really shit my pants). I HATE IT! I've tried to explain this to CJ and Cameron, but they are so young and don't understand. I can be irritable with the boys and Clark. Sometimes I lose my shit and sleep is nonexistent for me. 

PTSD Symptoms that people deal with:

• Nightmares
• Flashback
• Startle reflex
• Hypervigilance
• Irritability
• Anger and rage
• Insomnia
• Poor self-esteem
• Poor concentration
• Isolation
• Avoidance

SELF-CARE

Self love is the greatest middle finger of all time. -unknown

Battling anxiety, PTSD, or any mental health illness can be exhausting. For me, self-care is so essential for my own mental health but also for those close to me. As a mother, I need to be at the top of my game, and if I’m not taking care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of my boys? Can you picture The Crood’s right now? My boys would be running around like cavemen. 

My self-care routine:

• Walking through Target sipping on Starbucks
• Getting my nails done
• Getting my hair done
• Listening to GOOD song
• Taking a deep breath, in the bathroom, by myself
• Cleaning my house
• Getting my aura cleansed (go check out beyondadreamllc.com you won’t be disappointed!)
• Writing in my journal
• Reading a book
• Doing a face mask
• Buying myself flowers
• Retail therapy
• Exercising

Anxiety sucks. PTSD sucks. Mental health sucks. I’ve come to realize that I’m important and so is my mental health. Take care of yourself, you’ll be amazed by the results.

RESOURCES

I'm not a health professional. I'm just here to share my story and relationship with my mental health. I'm hoping to inspire you to do the same. Below are some mental health resources if you need to seek professional advice:

National Alliance on Mental Illness

1-800-950-6264 of text "NAMI" to 741-741

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-799-7233

National Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration

1-900-662-4357

National Eating Disorders Association

1-800-931-2237

Veteran Crisis Line

1-800-273-8255 Press 1

Mission 22

www.mission22.com