Date night

Marriage is not beautiful, but it is amazing.

This past weekend my husband and I spent a weekend alone for the first time in two years; TWO YEARS!

In my husband's mind, we were going to do the dirty every hour on the hour. In my mind, we would go out to eat, go shopping, and then we would be able to sit, not talk, and watch horrible TV. If I were honest, I was a little nervous about whether I would still like Clark alone. What if he didn't want me without the kids? What would we talk about?

Saturday morning, while I was folding 3 weeks' worth of laundry, I got hooked on Bridgerton. I was totally immersed in the 1800s and love story; also, the Duke was hot. I binge-watched six hours and finished Sunday morning. But it made me start thinking about my marriage and love story. Was my marriage missing something? 

I'll give you the cliff notes of our marriage.

We met when I was 17, he was 20. It was definitely not love at first sight, but we became best friends, which eventually turned into more. We were young and dumb when we met. Clark and I did a lot of drinking and partying. We made mistakes and treated each other bad.

I didn't do drunk very good. God was I mess. I would cry, and I mean CRY. I remember when we were at a friend's house, and Clark was drunk passed out, they shaved his legs, and I cried. I was so upset. I should have been laughing my ass off, but I cried.

Clark convinced me to enlist in the National Guard. It was the best thing that has happened to my life. In 2010, I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq. This was the first time I was away from Clark, my family, and outside of the United States. It was freeing. If I had a theme song for my deployment, it would be Independent Woman by Destiny's Child.

We struggled on my deployment and ended up going through the divorce process. When I came home from leave, we were supposed to finalize everything. Walking into my house, seeing Clark made me change my mind. I loved this man. We knew we would have to put in the work and A LOT of work at that.

At the beginning of September in 2011, I got home, and Clark deployed to Afghanistan two weeks after that. Essentially, we were apart for 2 years of our marriage when it needed us both the most. Clark came home. We put in lots of time and energy, workshops, therapists, and lots of crying into our relationship.

Fast forward through lots of job changes, three beautiful kids, three dogs, and we are here today.

Do you ever read a book, watch a TV show/movie, and get emotionally attached? You've thrown yourself into the storyline, and now the book or show is over, and you are sitting there, like now what? That's me. Once I finish a book, it's like a break-up. I have to grieve that the storyline is over before I move on to my next book.

I cried all Sunday when I finished Bridgerton (told you I cry all the time). I was walking in Meijer's, cried. I drove home; cried. I felt like I was mourning my marriage because it wasn't like The Duke and Duchess of Hastings (cue the laughter). Why didn't my marriage have that passion? We've been married for 11 years. Are we doomed? God, why can't I stop crying?

And then it clicked. I'm married to my best friend. I'm married to my person. The person who has seen me at my worst, when I'm ugly inside and out when I'm sure he's wanted to get the eff out. But I've also shared some of the best times with Clark. We've laughed so hard we were crying. It's sharing our promotions at work. It's looking at each other when one of the boys is being an asshole and thinking, what did we get ourselves into. It's the bad breath and horrible fats. 

Above anything, it is knowing that he won't leave after we get in a fight over dishes or if I say something mean and nasty. It's also the nights we fall asleep holding hands; when he surprises me with flowers; when he cleans up my puke when I'm too sick; and gets out of bed with the dogs in the middle of the night because I don't want to be cold. It's knowing that our kids have the best father. 

Clark may be weird and annoying sometimes, but he loves me for all of me, and I love him for all of him.

In the end, after a day of crying and mourning something I thought I didn't have, I realized I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life. I have everything that I've ever needed. 

Marriage is not beautiful, but it sure is an amazing ride.